Archive for the ‘Rants’ Category

Ok, so I took a month off.  Yeah, I wasn’t really planning on it, but I was so tired of the blog after the 30 day thing and I kept saying I’d write something tomorrow until it was like today and it’s been over a month.  So, yeah, sorry about the ridiculous hiatus and all, hope I didn’t worry anyone.  So here’s an update on us, list style.  Because I’m feeling listy.

  1. Teddy.  My little tank.  Ted weighed in at his 6 month check up at about 18 and a half pounds.  I took him in last week, along with Jack (because Jack was sick) to have him checked out to see if he had an ear infection and at that point he was 19.5 pounds.  Then I took him in Wednesday (he was sick) and he was 20 lbs 2 oz.  Monster baby gained a pound in a week.  This kid amazes me.  Jack weighed in today (well visit… yeah, they’re getting really sick of seeing me) at 28 lbs.  hehe… Jack sprat…
  2. So the other day when we were at the doctor’s office… which time is not really relevant.  Anywho, I held my hand out to catch the elevator door and it CLOSED ON MY HAND.  Not kidding.  I managed to grab the door with my other hand to sort of hold it open, meanwhile screaming in my ridiculous scratchy voice, from being sick, “HELP ME HELP ME!!”  Not kidding.  Then finally I realized I could open the door by hitting the elevator call button.  So I did.  Nothing is broken.  I just have a ridiculous bruise and a sore hand and a big time bruised ego.  Yeah, I had to go back there today.  For another checkup.  Geez.  I think they all thought I was nuts.  They were all really sweet about it and took good care of me and all.  But seriously, I can’t believe I did that.
  3. Jack handled the whole elevator situation quite well.  Well, not at first he didn’t.  I thought he’d be traumatized for life.  But when we were leaving and the nurse and doctor were helping me out to the car (yeah, so I could feel stupid all the way to the car and they could see my complete wreck of a car and dig in my wreck of a purse full of dirty tissues to get my nasty keys out… geez) anywho, as we were all getting into the elevator on our way out, Jack says, “don’t do that again mommy… you got to be careful or you get your fingers pinched in the door.”  He reminded me again today as we arrived at the office.  Yeah, thanks.
  4. So.  E, my wonderful husband got me a fantastic mother’s day gift.  A plane ticket to Chicago to visit Andrea (my BFF) for a long weekend, by myself.  No children!  Woo Hoo!  So last week Jack got sick – bad cold with some wheezing we had to treat with a nebulizer (at urgent care) and an inhaler (at home).  He was finally better by Thursday and I was to leave on Friday morning.  But by Thursday evening I was coming down with it.  And by Friday I was sporting a sore throat and a cough.  Long story short I had a terrible sore throat, cough, hardly a voice at all and my head and ears were plugged up so I could barely hear anything at all pretty much all weekend.  Yeah, it was a major bummer.  We still had a good time shopping and hanging out but I was feeling pretty bad and wasn’t sleeping much at all at night.  So, I’m still pining away for a weekend away… just hoping that maybe I’ll get another trip away from home for my birthday.  Or something like that.  A girl can dream, right?
  5. Teddy is a rolling, scooting, tootin’ fool.  The tootin’ part was for fun.  Although he does poop like a champ.  Let me rephrase that.  He poops way too much.  I am changing, on average, six poopies a day… yes, I’m still changing Jack’s poopies too (I will revisit the potty training again soon… hopefully, but seriously if I wait long enough he’ll just do it himself, right?)… where was I?  Oh poopies.  Yeah, six a day, and one day I counted seven and then said “THAT’S ENOUGH!  I’VE OFFICIALLY HAD IT, YOU’VE HIT YOUR QUOTA FOR THE DAY AND YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME TO GET THAT ONE CHANGED.”  For real.  So, where was I… rolling.  So yeah, he’s been rolling around like it’s his job for about a month now.  He rolled over at about five months then didn’t do it again for a few weeks then a few weeks later he started rolling around the room – just like Jack used to.  He’s a little chunky (uh, ya think, maybe 20 lbs????) so he has a hard time getting his fat legs under him to push up to crawl, so I get the sense he won’t crawl much or if so it’ll be late.  He sits up without help – which is awesome.  I’ve been working on that for a few weeks.  Starting with the bumbo, then the boppy (for a little less support), then a crash pillow, and now he’s pretty solid.  With an occasional fall, usually due to a larger force (aka Action Jackson knocking him over for fun because it’s fun to make him cry).
  6. Jack is making me crazy.  I love him.  And he is so funny and fun.  But seriously.  He is making me crazy.  He has the devil in him.  The constant testing me and telling me no and the not listening and the freaking out I do on a regular basis to let him know that I’m almost crazy so you better get it together and listen to me mister or else you’ll see what crazy is all about, it’s all really making me crazy.  I do not enjoy the age of three.  The end.  I’m telling you.  The buttons have been pushed.  Oh have they been pushed my friends.  He says to me earlier today, “I’m sorry Mommy, I’m just acting like a lunatic.”  Don’t you know it.
  7. So that’s about it for now.  I’ve been busy.  Sick and busy.  So I apologize for the ridiculous hiatus without explanation, until now.  Hopefully I will be back on a more regular basis.  Hope you’re all doing well!!!

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A list… because I’m lazy.

  1. Teddy bear.  What a laid back kid.  It just totally amazes me what a completely different kid he is.  He’s so mellow and just rolls with the punches.  He wakes up everyday and plays in his crib.  I never feel like I have to rush in there.  He just patiently waits, chatting away to himself.  When I do get to him he lights right up at the sight of me.  He’s still waking in the night.  Two nights this week I put a little less than a teaspoon of rice cereal in his last bottle of the night (BOO HISS… terrible mother, you should never, tisk tisk tisk, blah blah blah) and he woke up at 5am, then 8.  Which is much better than what he usually does without it… 2 or 3am, then 5 or 6am, then up for the day at 7:30.  Sooo… I’m not sure I’ll continue it.  I know I’m not supposed to do it, I’m just dieing for longer stretches of sleep.  I just don’t get it… the kid is a tank.  He’s huge and eats like a man.  Yet, doesn’t even seem close to sleeping through the night.  Am I way off here?  Thinking that he should be??  I need to revisit the Baby Whisperer and see if there’s another route I can take.  Otherwise we just might stick with a little cereal for mommy’s sanity.
  2. JackJackJackJack Jack.  Yesterday Jack told me (when I was half paying attention) that he was going to hit Teddy with his piccolo-dactyl (a terradactyl with a body of a piccolo… Little Einsteins).  And he did.  Repeatedly.  All of which happened over the course of a few seconds and it didn’t register what he had said until I heard Teddy freaking out.  Today he couldn’t resist himself, while I was on the phone with my Dad (the first time talking to him since his hip replacement surgery), and he sat next to Teddy on his gym thingie (with the danglie stuff overhead) and kicked him in the head.  He kicked his brother’s head.  On purpose.  I know it was on purpose, because I watched it happen.  What happened to my good little boy?  Sure he’s been a button pusher for quite some time, but seriously he’s never been one to hurt people.
  3. I’ve been doing the South Beach Diet for a little over a week now.  And honestly it is a total joke.  I am the biggest cheater ever.  I make up my own rules (I can have one glass of wine, honey with my yogurt, Weight Watcher desserts, oh and this peanut butter cup isn’t going to hurt me, crepes for Christopher’s birthday – it was his birthday for pete’s sake, I had to, cupcakes for Obama’s inauguration) and then I can understand why it’s not working.  So about two pounds fell off pretty quickly.  And that’s been about it.
  4. I’m sure you’re wondering how the 30 Day Shred is going, right?  Well it’s not.  It was going great.  I was into about a week of Level 2 and somehow started doing something very wrong and found it very difficult to do regular everyday tasks because my lower back was in so much pain.  And just when I think it’s starting to get better I do about 700 too many squats while holding Teddy (which is something he likes too much to help lull him to sleep) and I’m right back where I started.  Geez.  I’m so tired of this baby weight.  I feel like someone is following me around all day, and every time I turn around I realize it’s just my ass.  And this wrinkley old lady belly.  God forbid I actually look down at it while blow drying my hair upside down.  It’s freaks me right out.  It reminds me of Oprah’s flappy flag arms.  Just a flapping in the wind.
  5. Today is the first day of sun we’ve had in about a week.  Or so it seems.  And seriously that is like an eternity down here.  It’s usually so sunny here that I’m enjoying the clouds and gloom.  Nope.  I am so ready for the sun.  And the warm weather.  And long walks in the evening.  And wine on the patio.  And taking the kiddos to the Y pool.  And playgroup at the park.  The sprinkler, and popsicles, and cookouts, and flip-flops.    Thank goodness January is almost over.

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OK, so is it me or have I been pregnant for way too long.  Sure, it’s actually only 34 weeks and 6 days… which truly is not even 9 months pregnant… or is 9 months pregnant when you are at your due date?  Anywho, I’ve come to the realization that I am currently in hell and must have a huge sign on the underside of my belly that says, “STARE, HARD AND LONG PEOPLE.”  Because that is all anyone who looks at me does these days.  And let me tell you it’s really starting to annoy the shit out of me.

So, why am I in hell, you ask.  Let me tell you why.  I think I could make a list…

  1. The heartburn.  Is so unbelievably ridiculous that I sometime spontaneously throw up in my mouth.  I’m NOT joking.  And anything and everything will give me heartburn.  Including an empty stomach.  And water.
  2. Oh my aching back.  Sleep is so fun.  One hour on left side, back ache on the right side.  Flip over.  One hour on right side, back ache on left side.  Stop, heeeeeeeeave ho out of bed to pee and start again!
  3. Belly ache.  So not only do I have braxton hicks if I do just about anything for too long, but my belly literally feels like it’s going to give way.  And any pants, including underpants irritate me.  The muscles actually hurt from having anything touching them.  Totally annoying.  Not to mention how sensitive my belly is if I just bump it up against the kitchen counter or if Jack does a flying leap across the room onto my belly.  Which seems to be a new game with him these days.  I flinch every time he walks by me because I never know when the kid is going to pounce on me.
  4. I just can’t describe this one in one word.  I was walking down a somewhat steep hill the other day, at Jack’s school, and all of a sudden I felt like the baby was so low that I had to walk with my legs further apart.  Not a comfortable feeling.  It comes and goes and I’m hoping it actually means that the baby is low or has dropped (or whatever), unlike at my last appointment when I told my OB that he felt like he must be really low and she said that he wasn’t.  At all.
  5. Lastly, which I’m fairly certain is not accurate, I just can’t come up with anything else right this second and I’m getting tired of sitting in this position.  Anyway, yeah, so I seem to be coming down with something.  But I refuse to admit to being “sick” because it is just so ridiculously unfair that you can even get sick at 400 months pregnant.  The main symptom… a cough.  A nice, hearty, shake your whole body, and use all of your abdominal muscles at once, coughing up a lung kind of cough.  So the belly ache in combination with the cough.  Awesome.

On a positive note, I haven’t been constipated in a whole week!  Yeah, so as you can see I’m enjoying this pregnancy tremendously, these days.  I was planning on waiting until after my doctor’s appointment tomorrow to update you all on my status, but I just couldn’t wait to get it all out of my system.

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Ok.  So we’re chugging along, getting the house in order… slowly but surely.  Although we’ve had a few hurdles over the past week or so.  Like the fact that when we moved in the half bath toilet didn’t work.  At all.  But I’m not really going to go into that because the leak in our great room ceiling is much more interesting.  And the fact that it’s completely unrelated to the 8 INCHESof rain we got the night before last is completely ridiculous.  Thank the dear Lord Baby Jesus in the manger that this house is on a hill because otherwise it would have been swept away with the way our luck has been going.  Enough about the measly rain… did you know that home warranties don’t cover pulling a toilet out.  So if water is pouring out of your downstairs ceiling right below the upstairs toilet, they intend to charge you to pull the toilet out in order to determine whether or not the toilet is contributing to the problem.  And it’s a $120 charge.  To pull it out.  And seriously any fool could do it.  In fact, that other toilet, the one not working downstairs, is not only going to be pulled out, but fixed, for $40. 

Anyway, so yeah.  That’s not all.  I woke up yesterday to a complete infestation of ants.  I opened the pantry door and a highway of ants came marching out carrying all of the food with them.  It was awesome.  I just about went into orbit because, seriously, I wake up really hungry.  And to see ants on (or near) my food in the morning (or any time of day, really) makes me want to FREAK THE HELL OUT.

Ok.  So, it’s been a bit crazy around here.  We’re gearing up for preschool to start next week and therefore trying to get Jack into some sort of sense of routine and normalness (I know it’s not a word), and believe it or not we’re off again this weekend for our last beach weekend of the summer.  Which I’d totally cancel except for the fact that I really wouldn’t mind a little break because before you know it we’re going to have to little turkeys around here.  Which reminds me.  I still haven’t even thought about the nursery yet.  AGH.  Deep breath. 

Anyway, I’ve finally got some pictures of the house.  And one of me too. 

Our new home.

Our new home.

30 weeks (taken last Wednesday)

30 weeks (taken last Wednesday)

You can get to the house pictures by clicking on New House August 2008 in the sidebar, under Albums.  Or clicking here.

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So this photo pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling lately.  Oh how I love January.  Such a cruddy month.  Post holiday crash, winter blues, financial lockdown (don’t ask), and cabin fever… oh, January.  As you may recall, it was not long ago that I was bitching because it was hot, in December.  Now, I could bitch all day because it’s colder than a witches tit.  By the way, what the hell does that mean?  And well, bitching doesn’t do the blog any good.  Because you all don’t want to hear about how I haven’t left my house yet today, but I managed to load the dishwasher, vacuum the downstairs and drink a diet coke.  And that Jack likes to eat avocado today, but not tomorrow.  Or how lately I feel like I want chocolate every 3 minutes.  And how every time I dig into my stash of chocolate covered caramels from the dollar bin at Target, Jack will drop everything and run over to me, while YELLING, “bite? bite? bite? peese? bite?”  At which I reply, “No, Jack, you don’t want thiiisss.  It’s mommy’s medicine.”

So.  I think I may go in to hibernation for a while.  I’ll still be here.  And I’ll post occasionally.  When I have something interesting to discuss.  Like how Jack took one look at his blueberry pancakes yesterday and said, “boo in der.”  That’s right Jack, there’s blue in there.  haha.  Or, you know, if this whole writer’s strike resolves itself (or whatever) then we can talk about how Carlos is BLIND!?!  Or how obscenely funny Tracy Morgan and Alec Baldwin are and that Tina Fey is a genius.  Or maybe we could talk about McDreamy and Rose…?!  I mean, SERIOUSLY!  Meredith and McDreamy BELONG together and are supposed live happily ever after in their McDream house!  Sorry about that.  Anyway, where was I?  Hibernation.  Well maybe not hibernation… just frequent naps and less posts.  We’ll see.  I’m not sure how long I can go without a list.  You know how I love lists.

Ok.  So that’s it for now.  I have a 1:30 meeting, I am late for, with Denise Austin to discuss blasting some fat with yoga.  Toodles!  Oh, I almost forgot.  We got some snow.

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Why must I have absolutely zero patience every 28 days?  And be overcome with the insatiable need to eat everything in sight (including that nutella, last night, that had a sell by date of 2006)??

Why can’t my damn US magazine come on time?  Seriously, the week before last I got last Friday and I still haven’t gotten last Friday’s.  So something tells me that today’s won’t come today.  And neither will last week’s.

Why is it in the mid-70’s in mid-December??  Why?!?  AND why am I surprised?!?  It happens every year!  It’s the holiday season and everyone else in the country (well, almost) is experiencing a ginormous blizzard and we are sweating.  I’m sweating and my windows are open and it’s hot in the house (and seriously, I WILL NOT TURN ON THE AIR CONDITIONING, for the love of the tiny infant baby Jesus in the manger, because it is DECEMBER) and how do you make Christmas cookies when it’s hot in the house??

Why must my child only sleep for 20 minutes at a time?  Maybe because it is a sauna in his room because IT’S 75 DEGREES OUTSIDE.  Or maybe because he has a fever.  Poor kid.

Why must my poor little pooper-doodle-doo be sick?  I hate seeing him sick.

Why did I take that shitass, mother scratching, G blessed, son of a mother pacifier away??  Maybe so he could suck his hand.  Yeah, he sucks his hand.  Any advice on how to get him to stop sucking his hand now that I’ve successfully gotten rid of the sucky??  Because with it being flu season and all, all I need is him sucking his hand… surely he’ll get sick.  OH WAIT.  That’s right.  He’s already sick.

Why must my adorable son have such an adorable new haircut that I managed to get the cutest pictures of… that I would love to post and show to the Internet?  Oh but I can’t because Picasa took a big poop all over my computer so I can’t download anything.  WHY does this happen?!?  So I can write this ridiculous ranting post and you all can see what a psycho I really can be.

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I’m driving home from a lunch date the other day and get to a big intersection close to home.  There’s some sort of construction going on and I’ve just noticed the signs to merge and attempt to do so.  But no one is letting me in.  They’re all following bumper to bumper, ignoring the fact that I’m getting closer and closer to their vehicles, avoiding eye contact.  Normally I don’t really care if they let me in or not.  Eventually they’ll see that I’m getting over whether they like it or not and just let me in already.  But, well, we’ve got a new car and there’s no way I’m even chancing even a tiny scratch on this thing.  So I sit there.  With my blinker on.  FOREVER.  And finally start honking because I’m getting really dirty looks.  Like I’m a horrible person for MERGING when I’m SUPPOSED TO.  NOT at the last second, like those annoying people who cruise up to the front and slide in front of you at the last second.  NO.  Not that at all.  Just following the construction signs.  I mean really, should I have known that I was going to have to merge?  Geez.  Why are people so annoying?

Need to vent?  Somebody steal your parking spot?  Walk so close, from behind, that they stepped on the back of your shoe?  Step right in front of you and stand right in front of you (like you are a mirage) while you are checking out DVDs at Blockbuster?  Go right ahead, VENT!

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